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I am trapped. No longer the fresh air filling my lungs… No longer the sun light shining in my eyes… No longer the joy livening up my soul…

 

I am kept in chains. Heavy steel ones… Their silver surface reflects my image. Unrecognizable… As if I am no longer who I am, who I used to be. My thoughts, my feelings, everything that made me who I am are restrained. Under control, under pressure. It is like a balloon. I blow it harder and harder until I am out of breath. The moment I am about to tie it, all the air inside escapes. Disappearing into oblivion… I try it once again. With hope again. Like Sisyphus in the Greek myths, it is my punishment.  I fail.

 

Their silver surface also reflects the light like a diamond. A powerful image, setting a high value for the material. But it is not the material that restrains me. It is the one who owns that chains. It is him who is powerful. It is a cycle. A vicious one, hindering not only me but the humanity itself. It is not because he is who he truly is or who he truly wants to be. As he keeps me in chains, his whole personality and mindset change. A complete manipulation.

 

The rain droplets fall one by one. A lightning flashes. A distant thunder rolls. Silence. It is not like everybody around me shuts their mouths up. It is my mind that stops thinking. It is my heart that stops beating. It is as if I am kept in my own prison. Designed specifically for me. There is no need for guards. No one can hold me back if they are alone. One cannot evoke dominance or authority alone. But a majority…

 

Every single person adds up to the chains. One by one until I am completely wrapped. One’s freedom ends when it starts to violate the others’. What puzzles my brain is no one else’s business. But it is. The moment I open my mouth to voice my own truth, a front of people appears, booing me, disapproving me, objectifying me. It happens when my own truth contradicts with theirs’. It is not important anymore that they are fallible and nothing can be absolute. If what they defend provides or guarantees their ascendancy over me and my rights, then the opinion of the majority rules!

 

Always another excuse to oppress me, to prison me. What is wrong if I am completely out of mind? No violation of others’ rights… I am not putting my thoughts into action. But the air resounds  with a loud “NO”. My wrong could strengthen their argument, strongly verifying their truth. Or it could open a new door, proposing a more accurate version. Risk. They don’t want that. There is no place for the freedom of expression when the majority rules. When there is conformity. When the basis of expediency is taken into consideration.

 

And that is how I end up here. After all the anger that surrounds me, shutting me off, alienating me, I have no desire nor the energy to think, to defend, to fight! The sun rises and sets. A new day brings nothing, just a messenger, a reminder of my misery. My soul decays and loses its individuality, its uniqueness. No longer am I who I am as the chains wrapping me get stronger and greater!

 

Sude Yenilmez